Being HappiER

I was going to wait until I had finished this book before I talked about it but I have found so much of it interesting, helpful and relatable, I decided to go ahead and mention it.

 

In this book, the author sets about embarking on a year long project to improve her happiness. Not because she is not happy or depressed, but just because she wondered if she could be happier. I think that's an interesting theory all in itself but I'll save it for later (there's probably a lot of areas where I could add an -er)

There are so many parts of this book so far (I'm only about halfway through) that have really resonated with me. The first is when the author mentions her love "for receiving gold stars." I, too, enjoy my gold stars. I always have. I always loved to learn and loved school but I would be lying if I said I wasn't driven at points by being teacher's pet. I seek other people's approval and expect a pat on the back or gold star for a job well done. This was a timely topic for me because in recent months, for various reasons, I have had to re-evaluate that characteristic in myself. I had to realize that if I based my opinion on myself on what other people think and how many "gold stars" I get, it could be a rough road. I have had the realization that I'm not always going to get the gold stars that I think I deserve (whether I deserve them or not) and I have to be motivated internally. I have to do things for me and not let a lack of gold stars affect my feelings about myself. I realize this is vague, but because of the public nature of this blog, there are some things that I don't want to talk about just yet. I have noticed a change in my day to day life when I am driven by myself and not gold stars, I feel better. There's no let down. 

The author also makes a goal to "accept the reality of other people's feelings." I have seen many examples of this in my own life. This particular goal is mentioned in the parenting section of the book but I have found it to be true about all people.The author, Gretchen, gives an example of a specific instance where her daughter comes in to her bedroom upset because she feels like her little sister gets more attention and love than she does. Gretchen realizes that her normal response of "of course we love you just as much" or "that's silly and not true" won't help. Instead she acknowledges that her daughter feels that way and moves on, making an effort to show her daughter that she is loved and special.

  I'll throw Kyle under the bus first. :) There have been several times when Kyle has gotten upset about something and I try to "fix the problem." In my mind, if I can find a solution to the problem, the problem will go away and he won't be upset anymore. I think this way because that's how I work most of the time. I have a problem, I need a solution. However, there have been several times when I have realized that my attempt to solve Kyle's problem has actually made him feel like I was downplaying the issue or that I was saying that what he was feeling was not legitimate. That, of course, was never my intention. Sometimes you just need to accept the reality of other people's feelings.

I then thought about this in terms of my feelings. Like I mentioned before, when I am upset about something, I am usually comforted by solution.  One situation comes to mind though, where this was/is not the case. My parents divorce. I realized that I stayed angry for so long and sometimes still have angry days because I didn't feel like my feelings were acknowledged. People say things like "Don't you want them to be happy?" Or "You should be happy because they're happy." It's not that I don't want those things, but I want my sadness, grief and general discomfort to simply be acknowledged. Their happiness doesn't make me less happy for them but it doesn't decrease my sadness or grief. I don't always want someone to counter my feelings and "fix" them for me, I just want someone to acknowledge that my feelings are real and legitimate.

So there you have part one of my reflections on my current read. One of Gretchen's commandments is to "Be Gretchen." I have also taken that point to heart and so have written this wordy post in an effort to "Be Allison". Allison writes.