Home and Beyond

So it looks like this will be my last week in Houston! I would be completely lying if I said that I was sad. Work wise, I have learned a lot and I think I have really grown a lot in my position. However, I am ready to get HOME! I haven't blogged as much as I originally planned this summer, but I think this will definitely be something that I keep up going forward. I'm still finding my voice and figuring out what my blogging "niche" will be. I've been reading (mostly) healthy living blogs and fashion blogs for awhile now. It's a really good way to stay connected to real life things and see what other people of similar age are doing/through. The healthy living blogs have been a strong source of inspiration for me this summer. I am sad to say that my work outs have seriously diminished these past couple of weeks because I really don't have the mental energy to spend on it. My only focus this week is getting home. I am, however, super excited to get back home and back in my groove ( body pump!! I'm coming for you!).

Since last spring, I have really shaped up my life (exercise routine and eating habits). I wanted to get in to the groove of healthy living. I didn't want to diet...and I absolutely suck at it. But thanks to my favorite blogs, I have learned what it is like to be balanced. If I want a piece of cake, I can eat it. Maybe the next day, I am a little more strict about snacking or I add some time on to my workout. I don't feel deprived and I am not on a diet. I try to eat clean most of the time (except when I want cake..or pizza...or whatever). I've started watching what I eat more.. Sure I could live off of frozen meals and perfectly meet a calorie goal every day but yuck. I think about things like protein! Fiber! Sugar (lack there of)! Grains (gluten free)! Etc. And I exercise because it makes me feel good about myself. Not because I only weigh 100 lbs ( I definitely don't!) but because I feel strong. I like the feeling when I run just a little longer or lift a little heavier than I could last week. And I have gotten to the point where I feel like it's okay if I slack off for a few weeks because I have to think about my overall health..and my mental health is a big part of that. That's a big thing for me. I definitely have OCD tendencies and have felt myself slipping into the mindset of disordered eating or extreme guilt if I don't exercise X number of times that week in the past.

You might be surprised to know that my self-confidence has not always been the best. It's improved a lot thanks to the things mentioned above and also because of Kyle. When we first started dating, I didn't wear shorts. Period. And I usually wore a sweatshirt. In the summer. Yep. It's hard being a girl (and boy for that matter!) in today's world. There is always someone better than you, smarter than you, prettier than you. Sometimes it gets to even those of us who consider ourselves strong and not particularly susceptible to outside influences.

For those of you interested...Here are some of my favorite blogs.

Peanut Butter Fingers
Clean Eating Chelsey
Carrots N Cake
My Food N' Fitness Diaries
The Life and Lessons of Rachel Wilkerson
Kendi

Those are the ones I read just about every day...but there are about twenty that I frequent ( i.e. creepily stalk without commenting. Like You. You're doing it right now!). It's like reality tv minus the sleaze!!

I don't really know where this blog is going yet... a journal of my day to day happenings...a healthy living blog...a place to discuss current events and issues...a mixture.. I don't really know. So far this blog has been kind of a mix of everything, but as I continue, I really want this blog to have some kind of congruent voice. I guess you'll have to stick around and keep reading to find out which direction it's going to go! I do this for me...I love to write and often times I do feel like I have something worthy to say. But I also do it for YOU.  In the hopes that maybe something I say touches you in some way, or that you relate to it, or simply that you have better picture of who I am or my life. I figure if I could be inspired and feel connected to others, then maybe I could have something to offer as well. 

I do hope that you will continue to keep creepily stalking me! ;)

XOXO

Secret Post

Dear you,

I remember being in the car in 2005 ( when you weren't mine) and telling my friend in the passenger seat that there was something special about you and me, that we fit. It took a few years to really come to fruition but now I can't believe how true that is. I could never imagine a more perfect partner, my a little more Type A personality to your a little more Type B personality. Opposites don't attract though. In all of the major ways, we're the same person.

Home is where the heart is, so my home is where you are. If being in Houston all summer has taught me anything, it's that for sure. I'm a little less me when you aren't around. We aren't perfect and we have our moments but I wouldn't trade them for anything else. I admire how far you have come, the life changes that you have made for you, how smart you are, how kind you are, how funny you are (the same exact humor as me), and how handsome you are of course ( handsome and  naturally cool). I love the way that you research every little single part to any new hobby you are into, you never half-way anything. I love the way you are Mr. Thundercloud on weekday mornings but I am ABSOLUTELY NOT ALLOWED to sleep in on weekends (and wake up time isn't complete without a music quiz). I love how you baby the cats, most especially Danger ( I'm glad she's a cat, not sure if I could compete). I love how you can't eat your food until the setup of said food has been completed. I love how you have an idea or a tip for anything we make in the kitchen. I love that you can cook. I love how you know a good amount of information about almost any topic I can think of. I love how you can imitate almost anyone (but your rap voice is my favorite). I love your ability to make up a clever song on the spot. I love that you can sing all of the pop punk classics still. I love how you get stir crazy if youre a) in the house too long b) alone too long....exactly like me. I love how we accidentally match more often then not.

Basically, you're amazing and I love you. I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes because you would never doubt yourself again. I look up to you, I respect you, I adore you. Just thought you should know.

Birthday!

So yesterday was my 25th birthday!! Am I really that old?? I took Friday off to spend an extra day at home and it was wonderful!! It was so nice to sleep in my own bed that extra night. Kyle started off the weekend by welcoming me home with some birthday balloons and AMAZING gluten free cupcakes.

If you are gluten free or know someone in the Dallas area who is... There is an amazing bakery on Buckner behind the green spot. It used to be called Wholesome Foods Bakery but now I believe they have changed the name to Unrefined Bakery. Their food is incredible. Their banana nut bread is one of my favorite treats and now their cupcakes!! Thanks Kyle!!

On Saturday we spent some time running some birthday errands...starting off with a delicious brunch at one of our favorite spots, Company Cafe. They have amazing gluten free food but also just incredible food all the way around. Kyle's favorite dish is the venison tacos. We then went to do some birthday shopping which included some brand new toms.

Yes I am spoiled.

 

On Saturday night we had a family get together which was really nice. It was the biggest get together we have had in the duplex so far and I would say that it was a success! We're really proud of where we are right now and how great of a team we are, so it was really nice to share it with our family. And yes, I got many more delightful birthday treats!

Lately I have been in this ultra nesting mode at home and have really been wanting to finish (or at least not feel like we're camping!) our house. I spent some birthday money on Sunday getting a few items that have been on our "must-do" list for awhile.

Like curtains for the living room...

We got some curtain rods for the bedroom too but are still waiting to find the perfect curtains...When we were browsing at HomeGoods (one of my faves!), we stumbled across this gem...

 We have been looking for something else to go over the tv for awhile. Originally we had planned on putting a clock up but when we saw this painting Kyle and I both agreed that it was perfect for our room. Kyle's office building (and window!) is actually pictured in the painting. Personal and stylish! (We watch too much HGTV..and by we I mean me.) Those two seemingly minor additions have made the living room complete!

I love seeing our house come together like a home. Kyle and I are such a great team and it's really fun to blend our styles together and create things that are ours. I feel incredibly blessed all the way around! A special thank you to my mister for making my birthday weekend absolutely incredible. He does a pretty darn good job of making me feel special and loved all the time..not just on my birthday :)

Only a few more weeks here in Houston until I am back for good and I can't wait!!

 

Get Off the Track

Another Monday is upon us and I am already looking forward to the weekend. Not only do I get to have a three day weekend...Sunday is also my BIRTHDAY! Even though I am not little and don't really have birthday "parties" anymore, I still get really excited about birthdays. I'm turning twenty-five and I can't really believe it. I still feel like sixteen was just yesterday. Twenty-five feels like the age where you become a REAL adult. From 18-21, you are just an extended teenager...either living it up with a max amount of freedom and limited responsibility at college or you are figuring yourself out with the excuse of being young. From 21-24, most people have really just dipped their toes out of the nest and are still in the process of figuring out who they want to be and how they are going to get there. I feel like when you turn 25, you better get your crap together and start your game plan for your major life goals. 

There's a line from a song that says "Well you'd like to think you were invincible. Yeah weren't we all once before you felt loss for the first time." That line always really resonates with me. These past couple of years I have felt tremendous loss. Loss of  family members, loss of my nuclear family unit, loss of my childhood home, loss of close friends, etc. If you have never felt like you are free falling through space, consider yourself extremely lucky. 

One of the oddest things I have realized about growing up is how your perceptions of your family members change. I only had certain perceptions of people based on how they related directly to me.My parents were like the border tires on my go cart track. I could drive like hell but really I was just driving around in a loop. If I got to close to the border, they would just bump me back. I rarely had to think of them as individual people. I still have a hard time with it really. People often say, "At least your parents got divorced when you were grown up." I hate that.  It's like saying "At least so and so died when you were grown up." Your feelings are the same when you are five or forty-five. Those hard things don't get easier with age. One day your parents move all of the tires off your go cart track and tell you to get on the highway. And then you realize you are driving a crappy slow car with no protection trying to go 70 mph alongside semis. It's scary.


When I was little, my perception of my grandparents was endless hugs, blueberry muffins, summer vacations and endless spoiling. When I got older and my needs changed, these relationships didn't. I took notice of new aspects of personalities that I had never noticed before. I didn't need a blueberry muffin or someone to come and pick me up when I called them from time-out. I needed someone to ask me how I was doing and offer me support. I need the hug sometimes in a more figurative type of way. I have realized that a lot of my family has this quality of emotional stoicism. Let me tell you, I do not. I am like an emotional freight train. I have cried through at least three Thanksgiving dinners in the last five years while everyone looks at me nervously and tries to change the subject. As you grow up, you have to figure out how your relationships have to change. It's a very strange feeling.


Even though I still feel lost sometimes (okay a lot of the time), over these past two years I have had to figure out who I am by myself instead of in relation to my family. I have had to refocus my energy on what I want as an individual for my future. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want career wise, what things are really important to me ( fancy car or quality time?), and what is important to me in a life partner ( I don't want my future family to experience the heartache that I have). I have had to focus on goals for myself in order to set aside feelings of sadness and change that comes with growing up. I've had to invest in hope for the future.


And now less than a week away from my twenty-fifth birthday, I feel like I have finally accepted that I have to throw away the road map I've been following for twenty five years, draw my own and drive like hell.

Did you know?

Believe me, I want to tell you the WHOLE story of Kyle and I but it would take the special and sacred out. Here's our story via song. 

The story starts back in 2005 when we looked like this....

And we felt like this... Side Walk When She Walks by Alexisonfire

Dressed to kill, you look so right
I am drunk with lust tonight
Your wounds are opening wide
And they might be just my size

Now I'm afraid of open water
But I often bathe in sin
Let's be honest, you know you shouldn't bother
'Cuz with me, it's impossible to win

Dressed to kill, you look so right
I am drunk with lust tonight
Your wounds are opening wide
And they might be just...

There was always
Warmth between us
There was always
Warmth between us

Dressed to kill, you look so right
I am drunk with lust tonight
Your wounds are opening wide
And they might be just my size
Just my size, just my size
Just my size, just my size

Just my size, just my size
Just my size, just my size
Just my size.

But I didn't know...And then this happened..."Light Outside" by Wakey! Wakey!

 I know you want to stay in bed 

But it's light outside  

It's light outside
So know I am going to stay right here 

Because you saved my life once 

You saved my life
And I will try to get you out because it's beautiful outside 

And we'll fall  

We'll try  

And do our best and I love you all the while

  Because you saved my life once  

Because you saved my life once

But I didn't know about that either.... And then something happened that made me feel like this..."A Decade Under the Influence" by Taking Back Sunday.

 Sad, small, sweet, so delicate
We used to be this dying breed
I got a bad feeling about this
I got a bad feeling about this

You kept still until the long drive home
You slept safe and close to the window...
I got a bad feeling about this
I got a bad feeling about...

Who's to say you'll have to go (I could go all night)
Well say you'll have to go (I could go all...)
To hell with you and all your friends
To hell with you and all your friends, it's on 

And Kyle felt like this..."Evil In A Closet" by In Flames...But I didn't know...

 I sink in waters deep
Your presence kept me floatin'
Far from depths where secrets lie
Maybe in another lifetime
I could be the first you meet

I once read a poem
Held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life somewhat hurts
Need an option, a reason and some hope

Yell at me, I want to be your light that shinesA
But my ground's shakin' and I might fall
I wish that I could say
I wish that I could be your
Evil in a closet

And that's where we left it for six years...when we figured all of this out..and now I feel like..."This Is For Real" by Motion City Soundtrack

I've got emotion
Dripping out my pores and I
Thought I would let you know
You are the night light,
Ripping through my wicked world
How you make it sparkle and glow,
Before I lose control
There's just one thing you should know

This is for real, this time I mean it
I'm coming clean, please don't let go
I said from the start, that you could take it or leave it
I'd prefer that you keep it
Don't let go
Don't let go
Don't let go

I had some nightmares,
Clawing at my skin and bones
I nearly did explode
You smoked the demons
Gave me back my feelings
Now I am good to go
Before, my face hits the floor
There's just one thing you should know

This is for real, this time I mean it
I'm coming clean, please don't let go
I said from the start, that you could take it or leave it
I'd prefer that you keep it
Don't let go

This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real

For a physical challenge I'm notoriously bored
Intravenous delivery, electrolytes and more
Everytime it's the same routine
Out with the bad, in with the clean
Before I lose all motor skills
There's one thing you should know

This is for real, this time I mean it
I'm coming clean, please don't let go
I said from the start, that you could take it or leave it
I'd prefer that you keep it
Don't let go

This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real

AND NOW I KNOW.

 

Are we there yet?

It's getting harder and harder to come back to Houston on Sunday. At first, it was very much stress related. We are VERY busy and quite frankly, understaffed. So the pressure is ON. I realized this past week that I really have to let a lot of the work related stress go if I am going to survive until the end of the summer. Being here has put some things into perspective for me like what my top priorities are. 

                                                            #1 Priority (family)

                                                     (I snuck that picture, sorry Kyle!)

Dallas is home. It might be different if I had my "family" with me but I really do breathe a little deeper when I drive in to Dallas specifically. Houston has great food and lots of stuff to do, but I HATE the humidity (and my hair does too!) and I hate the driving here. I feel scared for my life at least 3 times a day and I literally live five minutes away from work. Dallas is home and it's really not an option for me to move away permanently anytime in the near future. 3 months is way too long to be away from these guys.

Several people at work have questioned how I can drive back and forth on the weekends so often and really why wouldn't you when somebody makes you breakfast like this....

But for real, being at home recharges me and the drive is still worth it to me. It definitely isn't easy. It is physically exhausting, but right now I have to make the choice between physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion. I will admit that Sunday afternoons/evenings are not always pretty. I threw a pretty major fit last weekend ( If I was five, it would have included flailing limbs on the floor. Okay, it almost did include that and I'm weeks away from twenty-five. oops.) I think it was just pretty overwhelming to realize that I am only halfway done. I LOVE my clients here but I am ready to get home for good and back to my life. Right now, it feels like I am at work summer camp. ( I never did real summer camp as a child so I should have known better).

                                                               Is it August 31st yet?

I Tried Not To Go There...

Honestly, I try my very hardest not to talk politics on Facebook or really anywhere else for that matter anymore because people get so up in arms about it. But since this is my blog and you have the option about whether to read it or not...Here's my take because it has really been on my heart lately.

I really feel like people spout off such strong feelings without really knowing why they feel the way they do. I really truly believe that most people (especially around my age) have no idea how lucky they really have it.

The general vibe I get from the American public seems to be this "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type of mentality. But here's the thing. Picture this : You have a human tower of 500 people. You tell everyone that the goal is to get to the top. It's going to be a lot easier for the top ten (or 50 or 100) people to climb up the other people to the top than it is for the bottom 100 right? As you get closer to the bottom, those people have to get beyond the weight of all of the other people to climb up. 

That's how life is y'all. I am well aware that I am 500 steps ahead simply based on where I grew up, the family I was born in to and the work they put in for me. But what about those other people? It seems to me that people make blanket assumptions about the poor based on a very small percentage. The face of the nation's homeless or those living under the poverty line is not those people you see on the street corner begging for money to go buy beer. What about those people who had to drop out of high school because their younger siblings needed more food? Those are the people working three minimum wage jobs and still living below the poverty line. Please be my guest and tell them to work harder. Tell them that they don't deserve health care.

For every No answer, picture yourself ten people higher in the tower.

1. Did you grow up in the ghetto?

2. Did you grow up in a single parent household?

3. Did you grow up worrying about how you were going to eat each week?

4. Did you grow up in an abusive household?

5. Did you grow up with people telling you that college was never going to be an option for you? Let alone, expected from you?

6. Did you take out your own loans to pay for college?

7. Did you grow up  in household that made less than $40,000 a year?

8. Did you grow up with the knowledge that every female in your family works the streets and that's what is expected of you? (This actually happens!!)

9. Did you grow up in a household where there was the presence of drugs?

10. Did you grow up with an alcoholic family member?

11. Did your family immigrate from a different country?

 I could go on and on with that list but I think you get the point. Every little tiny thing affects your placement on that human tower. It's the people who I consider to be closer to the top of the tower who are always telling people (in general) that all they need to do is work harder. Get another job! Go to college! Work longer hours! Remember, other people's hills are steeper than yours. Keep that in your heart.

If you have ten dollars in your pocket, it's ten more dollars than someone you pass on the street has. I don't really care how hard your worked (or didn't work) to get it.

And now you say.. Wait, how is this related to politics? Of course I care about poor people! Do you care about poor people once a year when your church goes on a mission trip or do you care about the poor people in your neighborhood? Do you care about that hospital in Africa or do you care when clinics get shut down who provide desperately needed preventive health services because 1% of what they do is abortions? You say that abortion is wrong, but do you care enough to pay more taxes to help raise that child? To help provide medical services for that family? To help that child be ten people up in the human tower?

The "American dream" can be yours. Just work harder.